So right now I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to feel or do. I was so nervous to ask her all that stuff about you. She would know though, and she’s so nice and she was really honest with me, which I really do appreciate in retrospect. But it was just so negative. Like she literally said nothing nice about you at all. Which kind of sucks because that means that one of your best friends can’t even think of good things about you and/or you’re really just like that and you’ve done those things with people. I knew that you were socially inept. I knew that from the beginning. I’ve found it endearing so far. Now I’m starting to see that it could be terrible.

So it was one of those things this morning where something bad or life altering in some way happens the day before and you wake up and for a few brief seconds you don’t remember that anything is wrong. I mean that’s kind of dramatic because I mean there’s been times that that’s way more appropriate but still. I mean, I’ve liked since you since like, mid-September, that’s almost five months of falling in love with you. And now I hear from someone who knows and has seen it happen before basically that you are not good at relationships, (friendship or otherwise) and that there’s basically no hope. I mean it’s a bit crushing. I also didn’t give myself much time to process it before I fell asleep. Talking with Maggie helped, it always does. I still want to hang out with you and to at least try.

But honestly, if you really are what she said you are, it just won’t work. I deserve someone who loves me and has time for me. I deserve someone who is emotionally mature. I’m not expecting long talks about our feelings every night or anything, just someone who has the ability to build and keep a relationship. I deserve someone who will do nice things for me occasionally and put me before less important things. I don’t know exactly why it didn’t work out with her even though I’m starting to think it was much more complicated than I originally suspected.

This is a lot to think about. And it sucks. But it doesn’t change all the things I’ve felt for you and loved about you for awhile. You’re still smart and funny and adorable. You’re still my favorite dork. I would still like to date you, just now I would need to know that you would want to make it work as much as I would.

I know everyone’s trying to look out for my best interest, but honestly, who knows what that is right now? I’m happy that I was warned about all this, all this weird stuff about you and everything. It’s just really hard. Because I don’t know what I should do and neither does anyone else.

I don’t know you, not like some other people might. I don’t know about why you’re not at the correct social and emotional maturity level of a seventeen year old boy. Maybe something happened that you don’t talk about, maybe you never learned how to express yourself and you’re afraid to open up to anyone and that’s why you avoid people. Maybe you forgot. Maybe you’re afraid of rejection and love and you’re still bitter about your failed relationship with her. But these are all things that everyone’s afraid of and everyone has to deal with. No one’s life is perfect. Mind sure isn’t and there’s things about my life that I don’t tell anyone but that doesn’t mean that you can just avoid living and having relationships with people. That’s only going to make it worse.

I don’t know you or understand you, but I want to. I would be there for you if you wanted to talk about stuff and explain your life to someone. I love you just the way you are, and if you cared about me the way I care about you, I would be willing to help you figure your shit out and listen. Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

I need to figure my own shit out too, and soon.

I love you and I know it will all work out in the end somehow,

Me.